What No One Told You About Menopause

Too old for Snapchat, too young for Life Alert.

-I’d give credit to whoever said this, but I can’t remember.

I had lunch recently with friends around my age. We talked about the usual – our kids, vacation plans, and what’s next in our lives with kids off to college. Menopause came up and we ended up laughing about the crazy things happening to our bodies. It felt really good to talk about it – and laugh about it. It’s so important to have good and supportive friends!

So whether you are approaching THE CHANGE, smack in it or post-menopausal, hopefully you will find my list of what I wish I had known helpful – and maybe a little funny too. Or maybe you’ll cry. If you cry you are definitely in one of the aforementioned phases.

1. You will gain and lose the same ten pounds until you die. At least that is how it feels.
2. Brain fog is real. Put ticker marks on a piece of paper every time you walk into a room and forget why you went in there. You won’t believe it. I’ll walk in to do the dishes and eat chocolate instead. Label what those marks are because you will forget. Don’t lie to yourself saying you don’t need to write things down.
3. Anxiety and emotional swings are symptoms of menopause. As if we didn’t have enough of both prior to THE CHANGE. Not only am I as hot as the hinges on the gates of hell in the middle of the night, but I’m crying because the cat that roams the neighborhood looked sad yesterday. I don’t even like cats.
4. For every pair of reading glasses you buy, buy a pair of tweezers. I swear to you that when I sneeze, yawn or sometimes just breathe normally a hair pops out of my chin. I’ll get in the car and bam! The longest hair I have ever seen is hanging off my chin. And it’s super dark. I have reddish blondish hair. My chin hair is black. Keep tweezers and readers in the console. Place them in drawers throughout the house. Then write on a sticky note that they are in there or you will forget.
5. You will get side boob. Like overnight. They will pop out like chin hairs. You’ll put on your bra and boob fat will spill out over the bra under your armpit. I’m sorry.
6. Menopausal belly fat. Cruel. Cruel. Cruel. A pair of tweezers in the console can’t fix this. Supposedly, exercise, increased fiber, healthy eating and understanding the right amount of calories your body needs helps. Burn more then you consume. Blah blah blah. I’m working on it and I’ll report back.
7. Skin as dry as dirt. Get a Sam’s or Costco membership. Load the cart with Lubriderm, Neutrogena, Oil of Olay and whatever else they have. That’s all I can lend here.
8. You will quote The Golden Girls. Sometimes Blanche. Sometimes Rose. Maybe that’s just me and not menopause. I think I did this before menopause. I forget.
9. You can blame stuff on menopause. This is really a bonus of THE CHANGE. If you say something that doesn’t make sense, or sound irritable, or forgot something AGAIN, just say “menopause”. No one knows how to respond – no one dares argue with you. You’ll end up getting a sympathetic look or a hug. Honestly, you won’t care what anyone else thinks. You’re too mad about your new crop of chin hair to care.

While menopause isn’t always funny, it does help to laugh. Try to make the best out of it. See your doctor and talk to your friends for support. If you have useful suggestions, please comment here as I know anyone reading this could use it.